|
Post by daylilydude on Jan 18, 2017 4:51:12 GMT -5
No offense intended.... Enjoy.... I haven't heard these before Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away.... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ??" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
Post by bestofour on Jan 22, 2017 19:09:04 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by paulf on Jan 23, 2017 15:11:26 GMT -5
My blonde wife says I can't laugh at blond jokes, so keep them coming. She just thinks I am thinking amusing thoughts.
|
|
|
Post by daylilydude on Jan 24, 2017 12:53:30 GMT -5
Ok paulf, here are a few one liners... She was Soooooooo Blonde * She thought a quarterback was a refund. * She thought General Motors was in the army. * She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. * She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. * At the bottom of an application where it says ' Sign here: ' she wrote ' Sagittarius. '
|
|
|
Post by horsea on Jan 30, 2017 16:21:04 GMT -5
paulf, here's one for your wife. THE BLONDE AND THE COWA blonde city girl, named Amy, marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy: “The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is, in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here." The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks, "Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know, how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?" "That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?" The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on." ____________________________________________________________________
|
|
|
Post by spike on Jun 29, 2017 20:09:51 GMT -5
Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Blondes," and he banished her to Hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Boo Boo," and he banished her to Hell, too.
The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder. St. Peter said, "Verrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder, and Jesus comes out. If He sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St. Peter fainted.
|
|
|
Post by spike on Jun 29, 2017 20:13:16 GMT -5
Do you know what twenty blonds ear to ear is?
A wind tunnel.
|
|
|
Post by spike on Jun 29, 2017 20:14:29 GMT -5
There were these two blondes that were walking along opposite sides of the river bank. After a while, the first blonde yelled over, "How do I get to the other side?" The blonde girl accross the river flashed a huge smile and yelled back, "You're already on the other side."
|
|
|
Post by spike on Jun 29, 2017 20:16:43 GMT -5
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'
Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'
Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.'
The blond replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'
Bob took the money...
|
|
|
Post by spike on Jun 29, 2017 20:20:42 GMT -5
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.'
'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde.
'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.
'Yes,' said the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it.'
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,
'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.'
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container...
(Are you ready for this one!?)
'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM
|
|
|
Post by spike on Jun 29, 2017 20:22:36 GMT -5
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. T he trucker lowers the window. "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
|
|
|
Post by spike on Aug 24, 2017 9:54:24 GMT -5
A friend sent me this:
Someone hacked into a blondes computer account. The password was: MickeyGoofyPlutoDaisyCinderellaShrekDonkeyFionaWashingtonD.C.
When asked why she had such a long password, she replied that she was told it had to have at least eight characters and one capital.
|
|
|
Post by spike on Sept 7, 2017 19:09:29 GMT -5
A blonde was driving along the freeway when she saw a truck pulled over to the side, with the driver trying in vain to flag someone down. She pulled over and asked the man if she could help. "Do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blond. "What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde,"but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
|
|
|
Post by pepperhead212 on Sept 8, 2017 22:15:16 GMT -5
spike That immediately made me think of a line out of a Ray Stevens song:
|
|
|
Post by spike on Sept 9, 2017 7:26:23 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by pepperhead212 on Sept 9, 2017 8:52:46 GMT -5
Glad you liked it. I love Ray Stevens' goofy songs.
|
|
|
Post by spike on Sept 10, 2017 12:04:25 GMT -5
This one may be a bit saucy?
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked...
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
|
|
|
Post by spike on Nov 14, 2017 10:22:36 GMT -5
Sent to me by a dear friend:
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him!"
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price."
"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"
"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska."
|
|
|
Post by spike on Dec 7, 2017 10:09:49 GMT -5
Also sent to me from a dear friend:
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."
|
|
|
Post by brownrexx on Dec 7, 2017 10:19:20 GMT -5
Glad that I'm not a blond!
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Joined: January 1970
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2017 17:13:41 GMT -5
I am or was blond, LOL, and think the blonde jokes are pretty funny.
What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
An interpreter.
|
|
|
Post by spike on Dec 29, 2017 11:18:25 GMT -5
I am Polish and most of these started out around here at least as Polish jokes! LOL I know a million of them. BUT this one was sent to me by a friend!!
The Blonde Year in Review
January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.
March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2 -4 years".
April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.
June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.
August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.
September - When asked what the capital of California was, answered "C".
October - Hates M&M's because they're too hard to peel.
November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120.
December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.
|
|
|
Post by meandtk on Dec 29, 2017 12:36:17 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by mgulfcoastguy on Dec 29, 2017 13:47:03 GMT -5
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead had all been dumped by their boyfriends. Depressed,and with the help of a little vino, they form a suicide pact. They went to the top of a skyscraper and all at the same instant. The brunette and redhead beat the blonde down by 5 seconds. Why? The blonde had to stop and ask for directions on the way down.
|
|
|
Post by pepperhead212 on Dec 29, 2017 17:14:37 GMT -5
Love these things - keep 'em comin'!
|
|
|
Post by mgulfcoastguy on Dec 29, 2017 21:18:32 GMT -5
A blonde was upset because everybody treated her like she was dumb and incapable of doing anything. She saw a brunette jumping on a large board saying "51, 51, 51". The blonde said I can do that so she jumped up on the next piece of wood facing the brunette and started to jump and say 51 also. After a minute the brunette jumped off of the crosstie and a train ran the blonde over from behind. The brunette moved about 50 up the track and started to jump on the crosstie saying "52, 52, 52".
|
|
|
Post by spike on Jan 13, 2018 13:48:53 GMT -5
OMG Again this is from my friend!!
The Blond Mortician
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
So I just switched the heads.'
(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)
|
|
|
Post by Laura_in_FL on Jan 13, 2018 14:24:34 GMT -5
Eek!
Oh, that's so awful and funny at the same time. I read it to my DH, and he gasped in shock and then laughed until he had a coughing fit. Thanks!
|
|
|
Post by spike on Mar 21, 2018 9:36:29 GMT -5
Sent from a friend:
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry" She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops anot her ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(This is bad!)
(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)
(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)
(You can still delete it)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
(Hey, I don't make them up.... I just pass them along.)
|
|
|
Post by daylilydude on Apr 21, 2020 19:51:05 GMT -5
Q: Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice bottle for 2 hours? A: Because it said 'concentrate'
|
|