|
Post by spike on Dec 21, 2017 13:12:47 GMT -5
I started this thread on Idig eons ago. If it is okay I would like to start it back up here? I had been walking through our local Kmart (which has sadly closed) and passing the book section I found this. Almost wet myself laughing . . .
|
|
|
Post by ladymarmalade on Dec 21, 2017 14:04:11 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by daylilydude on Dec 21, 2017 15:09:57 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by spike on Dec 21, 2017 19:58:42 GMT -5
Murphys Laws
1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest..
3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
5. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
6. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
7. Honk if you love peace and quiet..
8. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.
9. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
11. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
15. Light travels faster than sound. This is why somepeople appear bright until you hear them speak.
|
|
|
Post by daylilydude on Dec 21, 2017 20:02:29 GMT -5
#7 HONK HONK...
|
|
|
Post by meandtk on Dec 22, 2017 7:57:24 GMT -5
Most of us know how children say things that are off the wall, blunt, sometimes inaccurate, and often hilarious. We saw a homeless guy with a sign "5 children and no food." My son: "he don't have any money because he spent it in a boob place." Me: "Son,that's 'booze' with a Z!"
|
|
|
Post by spike on Dec 22, 2017 10:14:29 GMT -5
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later,God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up
2. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
3. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
4. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home
|
|
|
Post by spike on Dec 23, 2017 9:57:44 GMT -5
These quotes are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the orment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
My favorite is the last one.
Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year __________________________________________________ Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. __________________________________________________ Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten? __________________________________________________ Q: How old is your son, the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. __________________________________________________ Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. _________________________________________ Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. _______________________________________ Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. ________________________________________ Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it. __________________________________________________ Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at? __________________________________________________ Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? _________________________________________________ Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he? _________________________________________________ Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? __________________________________________________ Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? _________________________________________________ Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? _________________________________________________ Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? _________________________________________________ Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? __________________________________________________ Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male or a female? __________________________________________________ Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. _________________________________________________ Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. _________________________________________________ Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. __________________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. ________________________________________________ Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? __________________________________________________ Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Judge: "Well Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
|
|
|
Post by Laura_in_FL on Dec 23, 2017 11:35:43 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by spike on Dec 24, 2017 2:20:37 GMT -5
The Senility Prayer
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absentminded...
4. Funny, I don't remember being absentminded...
5. If all is not lost, where is it?
6. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
7. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
8. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
9. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere!
10. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter.
|
|
|
Post by daylilydude on Dec 24, 2017 6:59:00 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by spike on Dec 25, 2017 10:41:46 GMT -5
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
|
|
|
Post by spike on Dec 26, 2017 0:51:37 GMT -5
Jeff Foxworthy on Ohio
You may be from Ohio (pronounced O-hi-uh) if:
You think all Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange!
You know all the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost winter and Construction.
You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.
You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candy ones.
"Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the river" means south."
You know if other Ohioans are from southern or Northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths.
You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine, Tuscarawas,Wapakoneta and you know which letter is doubled in Cincinnati.
Vacation" means spending a day at Kings Island or Cedar Point.
You measure distance in minutes.
Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
You know what should be knee-high by the Fourth of July.
You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?"
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
You carry jumper cables in your car.
You know what 'pop' is.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
|
|
|
Post by spike on Dec 27, 2017 8:38:01 GMT -5
Delicacy of the day . . .
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senior. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, He called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senior. Sometimes the bull wins."
|
|
|
Post by spike on Dec 28, 2017 9:32:46 GMT -5
When I die, I want to die like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car. -Author Unknown
A young man was sitting in class when the professor asked him if he knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was. He sat quietly, pondering this very profound question. Finally, after giving it a lot of thought, he sighed and said, "I think this was the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware "
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful! so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
Some Great Truths About Life:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held it's ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws
|
|
|
Post by spike on Dec 29, 2017 8:33:54 GMT -5
Thirty Basic Rules of Life
1. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away and barefoot.
2. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
3. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried.
4. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
6. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
7. I have found at my age going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
8. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
9. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
10. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
11. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
12. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
13. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
14. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
15. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
16. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
17. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
19. Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of waist change places.
20. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
21. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
23. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
24. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
25. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
26. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
27. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
28. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
29. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
30. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. ****************************************************************** There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself. - Johann Sebastian Bach
|
|
|
Post by spike on Dec 30, 2017 9:06:41 GMT -5
Messages seen on T-Shirts (part one)
1. "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam" (seen on Cape Cod)
2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old)
3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
4. "Procrastinate Now"
5. "Rehab Is for Quitters"
6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"
8. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (on a baby-size shirt)
9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15"
10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING"
|
|
|
Post by Laura_in_FL on Dec 30, 2017 15:58:05 GMT -5
An actual T-shirt that I bought for my oldest son when he was a teenager: "I put the PRO in Procrastinate" He LOVED the shirt and wore it until it fell apart.
|
|
|
Post by spike on Dec 31, 2017 6:14:19 GMT -5
Part 2
11. "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names"
12. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."
13. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN"
14. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes"
15. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance"
16. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
17. "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music"
18. MOOSE HEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose"
19. "They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken"
20. "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"
|
|
|
Post by spike on Jan 1, 2018 3:08:32 GMT -5
Here is the rest of them:
21. "Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog"
22. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on."
23. "FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."
24. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"
25. "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory."
26. "The Meek shall inherit the earth....after we're through with it."
28. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."
29. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."
30. "The trouble with life is there's no background music."
31. "IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?"
32. "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"
33. "The original point-and-click interface was a Smith & Wesson."
34. "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT"
35. "Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit."
36. "Computer programmers know how to use their hardware."
37. "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team."
38. "NyQuil -The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine"
39. "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."
40. "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't."
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Joined: January 1970
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 1, 2018 7:29:01 GMT -5
Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can hoe, hoe, hoe !
|
|
|
Post by spike on Jan 2, 2018 20:13:14 GMT -5
You know that "a watched pot never boils," but there are countless other proverbs that you may have never heard. Here are some from around the world.
"Remember to dig the well long before you get thirsty." Chinese
"If you cannot catch a fish, do not blame the sea." Greek
"It is not for the blind to give an opinion on colors." Italian
"Trust in God, but tie your camel." Persian
"Measure forty times, cut once." Turkish
"He that blows into the fire must expect sparks in his eyes." German
"Six feet of earth makes us all of one size." Italian
"Fault denied is twice committed." French
"Never send a chicken to bring home a fox." Irish
"To lose a friend, make him a loan." Greek
"Do not hit the fly that lands on the tiger's head." Chinese
"A lovesick person looks in vain for a doctor." West Africa
"Pearls are of no value in the desert." Hindustan
"When one has no needle, thread is of little use." Japanese
"When the elephant sinks in a pit, even the frog gives him a backward kick." India
"The sky is the same color wherever you go." Persian
"When the fox preaches, look to your geese." German
"He that cannot dance claims the floor is uneven." Hindustan
"When the ship has sunk, everyone knows how she could have been saved." Italian
"Even the powerful ox has no defense against flies." Chinese
"A good archer is known not by his arrows but by his aim." English
"The road of by and by leads to the house of never." Spanish
"The longer the explanation the bigger the lie." Chinese
|
|
|
Post by spike on Jan 4, 2018 8:30:07 GMT -5
Great advice for sons:
1. Never shake a man’s hand sitting down. 2. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs aren’t one. 3. The man at the grill is the closest thing we have to a king. 4. In a negotiation, never make the first offer. 5. Act like you’ve been there before. Especially in the end zone. 6. Request the late check-out. 7. When entrusted with a secret, keep it. 8. Hold your heroes to a higher standard. 9. Return a borrowed car with a full tank of gas. 10. Don’t fill up on bread. 11. When shaking hands, grip firmly and look him in the eye. 12. Don’t let a wishbone grow where a backbone should be. 13. If you need music on the beach, you’re missing the point. 14. Carry two handkerchiefs. The one in your back pocket is for you. The one in your breast pocket is for her. 15. You marry the girl, you marry her whole family. 16. Be like a duck. Remain calm on the surface and paddle like crazy underneath. 17. Experience the serenity of traveling alone. 18. Never be afraid to ask out the best looking girl in the room. 19. Never turn down a breath mint. 20. Sit in reverance of your Creator, but remember He gave you Free Will. Do your work. 21. A sport coat is worth 1000 words. 22. Try writing your own eulogy. Never stop revising. 23. Thank a veteran. And then make it up to him or her 24. If you want to know what makes you unique, sit for a caricature. 25. Eat lunch with the new kid. 26. After writing an angry email, read it carefully. Then delete it. 27. Ask your dad to play. he'll never let you win. 28. Open doors for people. 29. Give credit. Take the blame. 30. Write down your dreams. 31. Say "Thank you for your service." to firefighters, police officers, military personnel etc. 32. Be proud of your efforts and accomplishments, but don't get cute. 33. Remember this equation: E+R=O - event + response = outcome. 34. When the truth is delivered with respect, how the other person responds is their deal. 35. If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room. 36. Know how to: change your oil, fix a sink, save your money and be the hero in an argument (calm it down). 37. Remember: Prayer is talking to God. Meditation is hearing from God. Get good at doing both. 38. You are 100% responsible for your own life. 39. Patience is a virtue, but slow feet don't eat. 40. Understand the balance of confidence and humility.
|
|
|
Post by spike on Feb 22, 2018 9:14:00 GMT -5
How grandchildren perceive their grandparents
1. I was in the bathroom, putting on my makeup, under the watchful eyes of my young granddaughter, as I'd done many times before. After I applied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 72. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I really think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6." (WOW! I really like this one -- it says I'm only '38'!)
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and whenever we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.
|
|
|
Post by spike on Mar 9, 2018 23:48:22 GMT -5
Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that, but it’s also terrible.
Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.
I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I wasn’t going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I’m going home for the hollandaise.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? “Oh sheet!”
Why do cow-milking stools only have three legs? ‘Cause the cow’s got the udder!
What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits a windshield? Its backside.
|
|
|
Post by spike on Mar 10, 2018 12:27:56 GMT -5
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? “Supplies!”
It’s inappropriate to make a “dad joke” if you are not a dad. It’s a faux pa.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese. But it’s only mild.
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless!
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
What did the buffalo say when his son left? Bison!
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.
When is your door not actually a door? When it’s actually ajar.
What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
|
|
|
Post by meandtk on Mar 10, 2018 13:13:37 GMT -5
Did you hear the one about the constiptated mathmetician? He worked out his problem with a pencil. I was a #2 pencil.
|
|
|
Post by hairymooseknuckles on Mar 10, 2018 14:03:57 GMT -5
Man who stand on toilet, High on pot.
|
|
|
Post by spike on Mar 11, 2018 11:17:40 GMT -5
What happens to pastors who eat chili dogs? They have to sit in their own pew.
Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
Have you heard the one about the corduroy pillow? It’s making headlines.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool? Bob.
I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
I’m terrified of elevators… … so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
What do you call a psychic little person who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
I used to hate facial hair… … but then it grew on me.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey… … but then I turned myself around.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics? “Oops!”
|
|
|
Post by daylilydude on Jul 8, 2018 5:59:40 GMT -5
|
|